Web 2.0 Mystifies Me

I managed, a few years ago--and actually even a few years before that--to get a hold of some CSS coding techniques. But let me explain what that means. That means that I copied the template for my Livejournal onto my own computer and changed things until it looked the way I wanted it to. I taught it to myself, back in--I do believe--2007, while I worked at the History Center for the first time. I just fiddled with it until it worked the way I wanted it to, but by no means did I actually know what I was doing.

The web design course that I took in high school--even with all the work I put into designing my website every couple of years, teaching myself important things, using the obligatory dumb google question when necessary--that is just absolutely not cutting it anymore. My website is hopelessly out of date because it's still, predominantly, in html!

As I'm sure you can imagine, as a web-restless individual, and with excessive amounts of time on my hands, this does not please me at all. So I've been examining Wordpress, and how I can turn wordpress into a website for me. The biggest issue is getting a fully integrated blog into my site. I have always really hated the way that I couldn't get my blog onto my site and vise versa. The easiest fix to that is to get a blog install that also upgrades the site to a 2.0 platform... but I have no idea where to begin.

I bought a book about wordpress--mostly because I just like to buy books--and I feel like I'm redoing this whole thing. When I first bought my domain name and website, I was in the early years of high school--coming off of an Angelfire site or something like that, way, way, way back when personal websites were a tool more like facebook or myspace. A lot of artists--especially non professional artists--had sites where they could just show off their artwork. It also became a kind of "show off" to see what you could do with the web too. I used whatever I could get my hands on to design my sites, and I did get good at it, but it gets more and more complicated every day. I don't have the knowledge to back it up anymore.

So I've been frustratedly flipping through this book on wordpress, trying to understand what's going on. I do want to have a fancy website by September, so that I can make a lot of necessary changes to my "web presence". I want an integrated blog (which I will of course update with a lot more frequency, hardeeehar), and an integrated set of purchasing tools... and what that means, is just that I can get this Zazzle plug in to work. It also means getting flash galleries for my artwork, so that I don't get that nasty "popup blocker" notice when I try and look at the art on the site. I feel like some people get error messages when they visit KP because I have messy code that looks potentially malicious to an browser.

Anyway, I also want to get a domain name that better reflects the reality of what's on the site. The site was first named "KagaiPalace", in 2003 or 2002, after the "Kagai Family" in my novels, Demon's Broken World and Serpent of Souls. They were the evil demon family, that used to brutalize the mortals just for fun--back in the day when I was young enough to understand evil as being less complex. The theme for the website was full of black and bright colors, a "tortured", "gothic" teenager's dream. I remember I looked up "evil" in my online romanji Japanese dictionary, and it spit out "Kagai" and that is how these people got their name. A pair of them appeared in Serpent of Souls much later in my life, and they were much more fluid, complex characters. But still pretty evil and manipulative.

Now that you know that, of course, it's obviously not an appropriate name for a web portfolio of my own artwork, in a era of the internet where one does not fear putting out one's full name. I need a domain with my own name in it, on a web 2.0 platform, with a blog. In two months. It's doable. I know that. I could use a vacation for a couple of weeks so that I have the time to just do it. Oh! What excellent timing... the state government is shutting down, and I'll be out of work! Sounds like a great time to do a website.

The Past Six Months

Have been rather uneventful and quiet. I'm now approaching my seven-month mark here in the USA. It's hard to believe. When you first arrive anywhere, you feel like a visitor. When you know the lay of the land, it's a really enchanting place to be. When I first arrived here, I definitely felt as if I--as a visitor--had lots to learn and take from this delightful city, that was also my home.

Of course the longer one remains in visitor mode, the less and less appealing it gets. After a while, that slips away and you simply become a ghost, going thought day-to-day tasks and ignoring the things that used to be so exciting. Constantly worrying about the future, excessively saving money--and then binging later. Being this kind of visitor--a permanent visitor--becomes exhaustively lonely.

The next step in my life is looming over me without a lot of nice things to say. I vaguely remember my terror before I went to Hamline. I remember how exhausted I was with stretched relationships from high school, how anxious I was to leave that place and start new, in a place with fewer restrictions, especially on the types of relationships that were available to me. I had no idea what was possible, and that was the most difficult part. I believed it would be just as difficult, and in exactly the same ways, that all my previous experiences had been. And I didn't have the energy to meet my old life with a new face again.

This is how I feel about Chicago. There are a lot of things I'm going into blind, but there are more things that I think I know a thing or two about. I'm scared of the overly academic mumbo-jumbo that I see written all over the place. I'm scared of the overly difficult questions posed by the people there--an academic tool that I fear will be used to pull me away from the things that ignite my life. I am afraid that I will be tethered to this academic jargon, and pulled away from every day people with it. It is much the same way that my English vocabulary and eloquence fell away after a year in Korea. I know that I am naturally introverted, cautious, and a deep thinker. But I have worked hard to become something above that. I cannot let it atrophy, and I already feel the effects of it here, sitting in my dark town home, far away from the kind of boisterousness that keeps me going.

Then, of course, there is the classic fear, the one I felt before Hamline. "What if, in the end, I just don't fit?" Hamline was a big school with a lot of different people. Chicago is a bigger school with even more different people. But graduate programs are tight knit and close, and with their demands, they rarely wander away. And what about all the oddities in my character: the year abroad, the year teaching, the devotion to the women's center, the irreverence for academic inquiry, and a serious desire only to make a difference in a community? Even as I type these things, I realize that this is an irrelevant question. Many of the people I met when I visited had spent time abroad. Many of the people I met were in similar situations to me.

I also feel a similar anxiousness to my first few years at Hamline. There was a particular moment, when I was bored at work, in my first semester, when I began looking up all the history courses that were offered. And it dawned on me, after reading them several times over, that there were no courses in Classical history. No Rome, no Greece--nothing before the modern era. I choked a little, now suddenly aware that I had come to a place that was not what I thought it was. The same is happening now, as I browse for courses. I see no liberation theology course, no social justice oriented theories. Only courses on serious theologians that I've never heard of before.

Then, of all my fears, there is this one. With three courses considered a full course load, I will have very little time for serious language work. I am so committed to Arabic language. I am so, sincerely, utterly devoted to learning it. But I chose a Christian degree program, with several electives, yes, but with its own biblical language requirements, and all of them with reading goals, not speaking. My biggest fear at this point is that I will be unable to accomplish all of these things--that at the last minute, I will be convinced, once again, that I do not have time for Arabic. I cannot be convinced of that. Fluency in Arabic may be the only thing capable of paying off these enormous loans.

Obviously I will need to have a serious discussion with my adviser right away. My language commitments may cause me to be unable to do the dual degree program that I am so interested in. But I may also be able to do both degrees separately. If I still maintain a commitment to Minneapolis--and particularly to the Somali community, as I have now--it may be more advantageous for me to take a public policy degree at the Humphrey.

There are a lot of unknowns in all of this, and like I said at the beginning, I can see a lot more of the scary ones that I can the happy ones.

I had a dream the other day which spoke to all of these fears. I dreamed that I had to say goodbye to all the Somali ladies, the moms of the kids that I work with. I had to explain to them that I was leaving, but it wasn't because I was moving. It was because I had died. I had come back as a ghost to explain to them why I wouldn't be with there anymore. That is what I am most afraid of, that the part of me who is able to be a member of this hodgepodge, chaotic, and beautiful community--the part of me that worked so hard to not be afraid of such sincere interaction--that part of me will die if I go to academia. Part of me insists that it has to, because I don't want anyone or anything to replace this place in my mind.

So, I have a lot of fears. And very little assurance that they will be answered. Then there is logistics, the nightmare of moving my things, transporting my life, finding housing, paying for it--everything seems too difficult to swallow. But I know that I will get it done soon. I know it will come together in a couple months. I know that I'll feel safer soon. At least I hope so.

New Artwork!

So! I've been up to a lot of things, but predominantly, right now--it's working, watching tv, and drawing. Here are the two most recent images that I've posted. As always, you can see these images on my website at http://www.kagaipalace.com.

 This image is called "Barren Tree". It's mostly a filler image--I wanted to draw more trains, a tree, and it came together through shape. I added some buildings that are more American, especially a few skyscrapers in Midwestern cities.

This image is called "The Mask." I wanted to do some playing with my white space, which I usually use as a border and frame for the inner drawing. This time, I wanted to use white as I used my colors, not as a frame, but as a part of the piece.

You can check it out at its page on Kagaipalace: http://www.kagaipalace.com/images-m-34-themask.htm

Happy Easter!

Easter never used to be one of my favorite holidays, but over the years of "adulthood", I've really started to value it more and more. In the Christian sense, its a holiday about triumph over suffering, pain, and (especially for Mary Magdalene) total loss. When you think everything has been taken from you--even the body of a beloved teacher--suddenly all that pain is conquered by a new life that defies all common sense. In the 'pagan' sense, Easter celebrates the return of spring, and the time when the earth shakes back to life, wakes up as if out of a dream. In a consumerist sense, it's a great excuse for some amazing chocolate, and although a lot of people rail against the "consumerising" of Easter, I take a great deal of childish pleasure out of my Cadbury eggs and chocolate bunnies. Honestly, I don't see anything wrong with that, because the little bit of childish delight over chocolate is in my mind a token of the joy that comes along with renewed life. It's not the whole thing of it, at least, so there's no reason to reject it.

Since it's about new life, Easter is also a good day to set new resolutions, since by now all the new year's resolutions from January have obviously been tossed out the window. I figure it's best to set resolutions for a maximum of six months anyhow, since that's really the length of my attention span. At least for the next few weeks, I want to make an effort to be more present with my time. While I was trying to make a decision over graduate school, I got overwhelmed and let other things take over my life, so that I wasn't using my personal time to actually rejuvenate. Mostly I was just sleeping or watching tv or just fretting over school. So, I guess, as I celebrate new life, I also am making a commitment to it, so that I can be a little bit more present. (Baby steps, though, the real goal is to actually be awake BEFORE I get on my bus in the morning, thus spending the morning preparing for the day instead of desperately trying to cram in more sleep.)

I went to church with my mum at the Minneapolis Episcopal Cathedral (St. Marks) which is just a great church. I'm looking forward to getting more involved this summer, because in addition to that traditional-ness that I like, it's also deeply involved in community service and education.

So over the past few weeks I've been deeply ingrained in a decision-making process, which is almost, but not entirely, finished. I had some serious things to consider, a lot of inspiration, some things that let me down, and what I think will be blessings in disguise.

I took a trip to visit both Harvard Divinity School and the University of Chicago Divinity School in the first week of April. I learned a lot about my situation when I visited the schools, and I gained a lot of insight into why I was so nervous.

The first of these concerns was that I wanted an applied degree. I had originally applied for an academic degree, arguing that I wanted to study Islam so that our public better understood it, and so that I could search out stories that had been untouched. As I looked at tuition bills, course schedules, and degree requirements, though, I really felt like I didn't want to do all that. I did want to know more about the Qur'an, and I wanted to speak Arabic, and I wanted to study the history, but my biggest concern was that I wanted to do it in context, and I was deeply concerned that the degree I was pursuing would not allow me the time or the consideration to put my studies to use in our world today. The work that I do at the Women's Center empowers me and is a huge part of what I believe is healthy community involvement. It isn't the end-all-be-all, but it did teach me that academic inquiry is the gateway to becoming all of myself, not the final goal.

So the first thing that I learned about my trip was the most definitive: I want an applied degree, and I want a Master of Divinity.

At Harvard I felt really excited about all the amazing things that were happening there. It felt really amazing to be around other people who were passionate about the same things as me. But, what I gained from Harvard was a renewed passion and a sincere reality check: when I had my discussion with the financial aid director, it became very clear that taking on the necessary debt would be a very irresponsible thing to do. I left the school knowing that there was absolutely no way, but more importantly, I felt inspired in some ways, because I knew now more than ever what I wanted to do.

So I visited the University of Chicago, and the mood was extremely different. A much more academic school, its goal is really to prepare students to become professors. I struggled through some of the Master of Arts discussion, then went into the Dean of Students office, and said, point blank: "I think I want an MDiv instead." Her response was: "YES! Of course! I knew that as soon as you asked that question in the forum..."

And in some ways, that was really want sealed the deal. I had a discussion with the Director of Ministry Studies, went to an MDiv dinner at her home with the other prospective and current students, and listened to a little bit of what they were doing. I wasn't madly in love with the program or the school, but I had a much more realistic connection with Chicago than I had with Harvard: the program was close, sincere, and devoted to what they were doing. The faculty were close with the students, and field work was a major priority for MDiv students. Financially, the environment was more sound because I knew that I could earn my living expenses, partially because they were more reasonable, and because more students worked. I was also really inspired by Chicago itself and the neighborhood that the school was in. I did not feel as though I was in an elitist place, nor did I feel too 'unrefined' to exist in that world. It had a sense of authenticity that I really felt good about.

When I returned home, my major decision was not between schools. It was between taking the opportunity in front of me at Chicago, or staying another year in Minneapolis working for the community that is important to me here. It was between taking on new debt, or waiting before I incured more. It was about going through an open door, or waiting to see what other doors opened if I waited. It was between taking another year to learn from the community, or going into a place where I can be all of myself at the same time.

I had a lot of questions. Now that I knew I wanted an MDiv, could I find a school that would give me total financial aid? Would I become a disconnected academic who was disengaged from the community? Would I have time for my personal life, my art, and my writing? Could I handle postponing my dreams for another year?


In the end, I chose to attend the University of Chicago for a Master of Divinity. It was mostly for the community, the closeness of the cohort, and their willingness to help me do what I felt called to do. But most of all, it was about potential growth, and the amazing opportunities that I could pursue there. It was not as wide and diverse, perhaps as Harvard, but it also was less overwhelming. It has strength in its specialty, which for me can be a very valuable thing: a more succinct program can help reel me in. Although I was at first reluctant to choose a school I was less enthusiastic about, I thought about other experiences I had, and realized that in the end, I WAS more enthusiastic about my life in Chicago. From there, the decision was obvious.

I'm nervous now about how I will have to change to be a successful graduate student. I worry that I may not have time to engage with real people, or I may become too intellectually obsessed to be approachable by just a man on the street. But, I feel confident that I can navigate away from those things, and that I have what it takes to beat those things. The life of a university student is really who I am, and although I always want to expand myself, stretch my comfort zone, and have a tangible effect in my community, I know that in order to do it right, the core of who I am must be at home. Then I will truly have the strength I need to always become something more, and to really make an impact in my world.

A Novel in the Works

Once again my mind has run off on a tangent with a novel: this time, I've returned to an old, old story that I crafted a bajillion years ago. Over time, these characters have been shaped, and I think I finally have the mental compass to write it.

The story has always been loosely based on the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, where seven very young conspirators lined the streets of Sarajevo, their goal to kill the archduke (and heir to the Hapsburg throne) in the name of Serbian freedom. According to most sources, they were supported by a secret organization in the Serbian Military called the Black Hand. The assassination is the catalyst of what began the first world war as countries jumped in to either police Serbia's action, or protect their sovereignty.

I've always been fascinated with the character of Gavrilo Princip, a teenager of 19, dying of tuberculosis, who for a moment held the trajectory of the modern world in his hands. I wonder what made him angry enough to want to kill, and what enticed him to believe that assassination was the key.

This incarnation of the story surrounds Michael and Arie, two brand new adults who have fallen madly in love with each other. Michael spends most of his time in the novel falling apart: he struggles with an authority problem, fails out of school, alienates his friends, and turns to violent means to reassert his identity. He is the one who will mirror Princip and fire the shot. Arie desperately tries to hold onto him, and the farther he slips the more she clings, until her rage as well is taken out in a conspiratorial plot: in a way, he drags her into his mess, but her inability to let go chains her to him.

I really want the novel to be about people who fall apart, and especially young people who have no outlet. I want it to demonstrate what happens when the remarkable creative rage in teenagers is channeled by the wrong kinds of people. I want it to be a love story that has all the right attractions, and all the wrong realities. I want it to be a portrait of a real city through the caricature of this sci-fi city that they live in--imaginative enough to be intriguing, but real enough to say what needs to be said. And real enough that it draws on my own real experiences of city living, loneliness, and moving through different windows of life.

This hasn't been the only thing on my mind lately. Graduate school decisions are 100% prevalent and I'm really struggling through them. I knew I would listen to the voice of fate and the direction I was being nudged, but I'm either being really stubborn, or that voice is just tired of telling me what to do all the time.

Things for 1968 are also going slowly. I feel bogged down by work that is crowding out some of the duties that I prefer. That said, I'm learning a lot from every bit of research I do on this exhibit, and it's really inspiring: I get to know a little bit more about why we are where we are today from this history.

But, since I have a chest cold, I leave this post with a pledge to post more often, and just a line from this novel that I'm so excited about, narrated by Jacques, one of the men who convinces Michael that he should assassinate the "archduke':

"That is one thing our people have never been faulted on: we know a good love story, and when it walks into a room with us we can feel it just the same as when someone sticks a gun against the back of our skull. Although the end reaction is quite different, the first assumption takes us over in much the same way."

March Snowstorm Blues

There's a phenomenon in Minnesota--a phenomenon that probably all the northern states experience, but perhaps Minnesota experiences it in more severity. It is the March Snowstorm. You see, in a typical year (and this year was not typical) the months of January and February are often too cold to produce heavy snowfall, and thus in March, when the weather begins to warm up, and the pre-spring showers arrive, we get blanketed with inches upon inches.

That hasn't happened too much this year, though we narrowly missed a huge storm earlier this month. Right now, however, some warm false-spring days led to rain. All that rain fell for about 24 hours, and then a cold snap plowed through, turned it into tiny little bits of ice, and then turned into huge caricature-worthy snowflakes. Now here I am, March 23, 4 months back in this illustrious country of mine, (I accidentally typed country of money there: Freudian slip?), sitting in a coffee shop in a scene worthy of a Christmas card.

Although I believe everyone who reads my blog is also friends with me on facebook, I have some exciting news about the schools I applied for. I have been accepted at all four!!

That includes!
Harvard Divinity School
University of Chicago Divinity School
Claremont Graduate School of Religion
University of Chicago Humanities Creative Writing Option

Now. I am sorry to say that I have already turned down one of these schools. Although I was really honored and flattered that the Creative Writing program admitted me (I was iffy if even that would happen), they offered financial aid to less than 2% of their applicants. I was not one of them, and indeed they only offer half-tuition scholarships. Thus, I knew right away that financially, I would never have been able to support my education there. Sadly I had to turn them down.

I've planned a very exciting visit to Harvard and Chicago for their new student days, which are conveniently right back to back. I get to stay in Chicago with Janelle, and I'm also really excited about THAT, because I haven't seen her since I first got back.

Right now my biggest concern is money. All of the schools, except for Creative Writing, offered me some form of financial aid. Harvard and Chicago both awarded me scholarship grants for about half of tuition. However, once you add the cost of living to tuition, that aid goes down to about 1/4 or 1/3. Since I am already in debt over Hamline, I am really quite concerned about how I will pay for these schools, regardless of which one I choose. Chicago offered me more money, but also has steeper tuition, although the cost of living may be cheaper in the city. It would also be really nice because I have at least one friend there. Really, though, the Harvard program has always been the most exciting to me, and without having any experience of the schools, Harvard is really my top choice. That may change after I visit. Harvard is the best of the best--that name is known throughout the world. In reality, I'm a little afraid that I'll go there, feel totally out of place among the "best of the best" and choose not to go.

My other big concern is the work that I'm doing here in Minneapolis. I love my different jobs and the opportunities I have to make a difference here, in a community that I understand and love. Moving to a new city, even if I plan to come back, is a big commitment, and I will definitely lose opportunities.

Anyway. It's a big decision and I'm super stoked about my upcoming visits.

March is finally here.

I'm pleased to announce that life is grand. Despite how exhausting the last few weeks have been, I feel like it was all worth it.

I attended the Mahle Lecture in Progressive Christian Thought last night at Hamline. It was fantastic. The lecturer, Sara Miles, wrote an amazing book about how she suddenly found herself a Christian convert in middle age: as a married, lesbian, left-wing journalist. She talks about how she followed the Christian faith not because of the ritual or the church, but because of the physicality of communion, feeding people and being fed, and responding to the reality that everyone is indeed hungry. She shows the Christian faith in all of its guttural grit, absurdity of physics, and reality that makes it really eye opening for someone who grew up "going through the motions."

I grew up in the church and I "did church." I was required to do church, and I did it. When I was old enough, I got a job in the church nursery, because I realized that I didn't like the doctrine and the ritual, but I did enjoy serving the community: forming relationships with the babies and their parents, watching them grow and learn. The rest of it felt very fake to me, but that aspect of community and relationship did not.

One of the things that this woman really stresses in her book and in her lecture was the visceral emotion of Christianity. She is also speaks very potently about the way that the Christian tradition speaks about the life cycle: your god was born from a "humiliated teenage girl", suffered and died, rose up into new life like a seed, and commanded you to eat him. The Christianity that she experiences is full of raw emotion, and it comes from how hard she works for her Food Pantry. This is her primary ministry, and the reason she has become famous. She runs a food pantry in San Fransisco right off the altar of her church: truly, literally, inviting the poor and the disenfranchised, and sometimes the cheaters, and the drug addicts, and the unbreakable widows, to the table of God, to partake in a feast. She was able to write down and show me, the girl who grew up able to recite the entire service, what this stuff meant--not only what it meant to her, but what it could mean to everyone.

I was really pleased to meet her and I really learned a lot from the whole experience. Now that I have some time opening up in the upcoming weeks, I will actually be able to involve myself in something like this. That's the scoop from this side of the world for now...