Well... today is my last day at work.

I've been woefully absent on my blog, but that's because I've had so much to do. And, in some ways, Korea has really become regular, daily life that doesn't really require a 'blog.'

These days I've been training in the new teacher, Lauren, who is really competent. She has more training at this than either Emily or I had, and I know she'll do just fine. She's taught in the States, so she'll have a huge heads up on both of us.

Right now, I feel a lot like I felt right before I moved to college. There's a huge, exciting adventure ahead of me, but I don't know how it will be, and I can't imagine it at all. I don't know if I'll be ready. I don't know if I'll be able to handle it, but I do know that I want to do it, so that's all I have right now.

It's really hard to say goodbye to my baby students. I'm the only foreign teacher they've known, and they are 100% mine. They were really starting to drive me crazy, but they're mine and only mine, so it's hard to pass them on to someone else. As my first class, the one I like to call "Squirrel Kindergarten" left yesterday, telltale tears welled up in my eyes and I looked away, shooing them out before they saw me--because then I would have been DONE.

I try not to gloat. I try not to make it clear just how hard I worked to make these children love me--to be a good teacher, to teach them and help them and do what I thought was right. I try not to tell everyone how hard I worked to keep loving them even though everything around me told me that I shouldn't. Everything around me said: "You are temporary, you don't matter, this is just a business." But I tried my best to make sure that even though that attitude got into me sometimes, that it never corrupted the reason I came into my classes every day. At least my babies. At least for my babies, I felt like I could do the best job I could do.

But there is a big difference between how things were then, and how they are now. The students' parents know me. The students know I can speak Korean, at least a little bit, and that I care about their language. The teachers and the boss trusts me, and even the desk teachers are kind to me. I used to loathe how hard it was. Now I feel proud of the fact that I made it all this way. I dealt with kids with violent learning disabilities, kids with severe ADD, and all kinds strange and wonderful other things. I had virtually no training, and absolutely no warning. I worked hard. And I pulled through, and in the end, I'd say the vast majority of these kids are better off, or at least just not thoroughly damaged. I worked really hard for something positive, and I think I got it.

That said, I am really happy to be turning to the next thing in my life. This was in many ways the hardest thing I have ever done. Luckily, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and after these last few days, I am sure that I have not been killed.

On Saturday, October 1, this blog will become Maggie Cube Goes to India! Stay tuned for the next exciting episode....

Rushing through the red tape--in a different language.

This past week has been consumed with visa questions and stuff related to India. It's all a little complicated, and not a little bit of it really frustrating.

In the end I know it'll be worth it, but currently it makes me feel really powerless. At first, the travel agent with whom I booked the ticket had spelled my name wrong. This was causing problems because maybe the Korean government wouldn't take that as proof that I was leaving the country. (Since my Korean visa is expiring on 9/2. They're giving me an extension until 10/2, the date of my flight.)

The India visa process is very complicated. That on its own is causing consternation. I went to get passport photos only to discover that the photo shop was missing. That was pretty disappointing. I'd had some nice photos made there. That's how things are in Korea, though--here one day, gone the next. And I do literally mean, gone the NEXT. Changed into something completely different.

Right now my passport is in the hands of the Korean government. As soon as I get it back, I have to send it to the hands of the Indian government in Seoul. I have to deposit a large sum of money into their account, and then I have to sit on my hands and wait until I get my visa.

In between that time, I have to study for my black belt test, which is rapidly approaching. Today, the sun is out and it's cool--which is one of the best things to happen to us over here in several months. I'm hoping that the weather keeps this up so I can go to the beach tomorrow. There's a nice one about two hours away from us, where I can relax, draw, and recoup from the extraordinary "Korea frustration" that I am feeling right now. It's really hard to give a place any leeway when you're about to leave. Everything is too difficult to deal with, or makes you furious.

The good news, though, is that I'm laughing a lot more with my kids, and I'm a lot more lenient with them these days. We're giggling over silly things, having good fun with coloring and other things, and they seem to be enjoying class more often. Next week, I start another baby class, so I get to give some more students English names and introduce them to the first words of their second language. That's always fun and adorable.

Recent notes on the students

I started, at the end of June, writing little notes when the kids did something, or something struck me as particularly interesting or cute. It's helped me to keep a writer's mind as I drift through things, ignoring the teachings of the Buddha and not being present in time. Now I've finished that notebook, so I ripped them out and I thought I'd share a few with you.

6.22.10 / Before classes started

The mean, frustrating make-my-life-hell counter teacher grabs my hand and grabs me to the back closet to show me where the on/off switch for the air conditioner is. It took be 6 months to even get this woman to say hello to me when I walked in. Usually she would just glance up to make sure that I wasn't the post man. Now she trusts me enough to show me the holy grail of energy costs for the hagwon--the air con. [We've recently purchased fans so that we don't actually have to use it to its full potential, an idea put into practice, I believe, by the husband at the second center. It seems like something he would be concerned about.]

6.22.10 / "Mashita" Class
This class is now down to 3 boys--all ridiculously difficult, but of a very warm heart. The last thing they want to do is be in class in the evening, and they make it ABUNDANTLY clear. Today they are watching Heidi--a rather pitiful, flash version where the characters don't quite move right. The same boys who made fun of Helen Keller when we studied her are 100% enthralled. Captain Gregory screams "NO!" when Peter kicks Clara's wheelchair down the mountain.

6.23.10 / During Class
They cleaned out my cubby. Apparently it was too dirty. They make my books the public books. I get really, really frustrated--but I only barely make it clear. I don't say anything. The next day I buy a book stand for my own classroom and take my books back and keep them in my room.

6.24.10 / Mashita
They tease the fat one until he breaks. He's about to hit them, or throw a desk, or both, but I ask him to leave and he DOES. I howl at them--telling them that they are so much better than their behavior and it works. They listen. They don't laugh in my face--suddenly these boys are taking me seriously, trusting me and respecting me because I love them to death, and they know it--but I am making it clear that I hate this behavior. I go outside to talk to John (the fat one), and he listens too. I control the situation. The others are watching at the desk. I am still annoyed and still want to beat them senseless, but I am so proud of them. The simple ability to control these boys, and the respect it takes to get them to take care of themselves is so gratifying. They couldn't have done it nine months ago.

6.25.10 / Kindergarten class
I notice that the really squirrely new one has half a hand. I suddenly like her just because she's different. She likes to talk in big, scary voices, and her absurdly large eyes roll around in her head and she giggles like mad. This whole class drives me over the precipice of cute-attack. Half of them don't have both of their front teeth, and their laughs are just electrifying. They are really intelligent too. The Korean teacher is great.

6.26.10 / Saturday / Out at a Bar
Nicole drops a glass and I accidentally step on a rather large curly piece--it slits my foot open, and I don't notice at first, until suddenly my shoe is slipping around on my foot. I go into the bathroom, stick my foot in the sink, and run water over it until it runs clear. Some drunk Korean girl comes in, sees me engaging in this odd act, and becomes my own personal bar mom--she runs to get tissue and dabs lovingly at my foot, whispering sweet nothings in Korean, until the bleeding stops. I don't care what anyone says--the things that happen in the girls bathrooms at bars are probably the most universal thing in the world. (Besides Coca Cola and beer.)

6.30.10
One of my favorite students, a ridiculously intelligent girl who feels a lot of pressure from the outside world, but is slowly starting to manage it, is having a good day. I tell her about my two favorite Little Fox stories--the two stories that happen in obviously Muslim countries. The first is about a character named Ali. She tells me "Teacher, my name is Ali." But I explain to her that that is a boy's name. [Most Korean names can go both ways.] So she asks me to tell her some female ones. As I list off names, she tells me, "Teacher, I am Aisha." And it is SO PERFECT. She is 100%, from head-to-toe an Aisha. Little spitfire with a desire to know everything, do everything well, and possess people's hearts. Nobody really understands how much joy I get from discussing Muslim names with this little girl, but I think for some reason she CAN see it. She is so alive that she can see the little changes that happen to me when I talk about the old life I had--and I think she knows how much it means to me that she cares.


7.1.10 "Mashita"
This class has been playing all day. We didn't really have anything to do. There's only two of them today and I'm just ragging on them, teasing them and they're teasing me back, and we're just having a grand old time. Jijun has taken to answering questions that he doesn't understand with: "Question number 11, what is the meaning of life?" So finally I stop and make him answer the question. He replies "Getting money." We don't really settle down, and suddenly in the middle of our laughter, Jijun cries: "Kim-to-the-Jin-to-the-JU!" [My Korean name: KimJinJu"] and continues to rap our names for the rest of the hour.

7.2.10
I traded classes with my boss for convenience purposes--she wants to give them a test and knows I won't be able to deal with them [this is the special needs class.] But I traded it for another class with special needs--one boy in particular who left the hagwon after having two violent episodes. He's back now--I don't know why--but on the day when I'm not supposed to be there, he goes off his handle. He tried to stab the kids with his umbrella, waving it menacingly in the air with this half-grin, squinty "this is the only way I know how to get attention" look on his face. I think he's drugged most of the time to prevent these outbursts, but he still knows that this is how he threatens others. He knows I'm afraid of him, and he knows that all the other teachers are afraid of him too. I use more Korean with this child than I do with a taxi driver. I take him out of class three times. First because he won't give up the umbrella. Second because he falls of his chair in the middle of speaking practice, and starts to cry. Third when he comes back in, and the kids tease him for the crying and the chair. He tries to attack them, and I hold him back. I can't let him hit a student. It's just a disaster. It's a huge disaster and I feel like a terrible teacher, because I can't control this child. I can't do right by him. For the next week I am just too emotionally exhausted to love any of the kids, because through him I feel like I've failed them all.

7.12.10 Monday, first class, my babies
They are so cute. They use English to ask questions. One of them has huge eyes, huge cheeks, huge pigtails, and the biggest smile ever--we'll call her Emmie. It could make you giggle uncontrollably too--and best of all, they're excited about English, and speaking English, to the point where they actually speak to each other in English. Emmie has this joyful disposition that fixes everything for me. She bounces everywhere, shares her glasses with the girl sitting next to her.

7.13.10 Tuesday, before class
One of my students, my baby student who I named (Coby), always comes to class an hour early and waits around in the hagwon. His parents work, and so this is his daycare center. I come in and decide that it is high time I wash my desks, so I go to the counter teacher and she produces some cleaning stuff and a rag. Coby decides that he is going to help me--so he delicately sprays the mixture on the penciled parts of the desks. He takes his job VERY seriously. I speak to him in English that I know he doesn't understand, but I use big hand gestures and he gets it. I really enjoy these moments with the little ones. A few minutes later, the toothless one with the electrifying laugh comes in and I try to take pictures of them with my cell phone. The toothless one is afraid of the camera, but Coby isn't.

7.15.10 Thursday, first class
One of my little 2nd graders sees a spider on the back wall while we're doing book work. They all say "Teacher, SPIDER!" And I say "Well that's nice. Don't touch it." Then, as they're semi-quietly working, this little boy with a big grin and confident English, turns around to that spider and starts talking to it. "Hello Spider! How are you? I'm fine. What's your name? I like pizza! Do you like pizza?" I start laughing hysterically and I carry that thought through the rest of the day.

7.20.10 Tuesday, third class
One of my little girls is just a weird handful--I love her, but she has this really "I'm completely insane" look in her eyes most of the time. That's why I like her. I know for sure that she'll grow up to be somebody's crazy aunt. She's been teasing and poking at this boy behind her all day through class. He's awkward and shy, like her but without the confidence of really enjoying his quirkiness. The other girls were teasing her for liking him--but I can see it too. Suddenly she lashes out at him with her hand--kind of like a cat--in an attempt to slap him across the face, but she knocks his glasses off instead and makes him cry. I have to be harsh with her, but I can see what happened. "I love you! Look how strong I am!"

7.23.10 Friday
Outside it's like an ocean. Suddenly the whole world has turned into water and I was just lucky enough to have started work before the roads turned to rivers. The students, on the other hand, were not so lucky and so they are furious--really testy. The little ones are screaming at each other. I'm tired and annoyed. During my 15 minute break, I go into the bathroom to brush my teeth, and I hear a crash and one boy cry "TEACHER!" in Korean. I look into the boys bathroom in the mirror of the girl's bathroom--they face each other--and I see two of my Monday students try to kill each other. Without even thinking, I go in--toothbrush still in my mouth--and grab one off of the other. After a Korean teacher arrives to figure out what happened, and I finish brushing my teeth, I realize what I just did. Mousy little Maggie ran into the bathroom of the opposite sex to break up a fight.

Anyway, those have been the most important parts of my life as a teacher lately. There's a fair amount more to say, but lately I've just been doing my thing. Going to see Inception tonight, which I'm pretty excited about.

And today

Even though my patience completely expired, and I wanted to hide in the bathroom--I still left the school loving teaching and loving my kids. I feel this way.. maybe 1 week out of the month.

I started to write things down when they struck me. Today in my 2.25 class, the kids were role playing the story (which they call "CHARACTER, TEACHER!!!") when one of the student's pants started to buzz uncontrolably. He had a wind-up monster in his pocket--and no that is not a keyword for some thing children should not get a hold of. He literally had a monster doll stuffed in his cargo shorts, and some part of the mechanism had been tripped when he moved--and amidst his perfect pronunciation of "Here you go, Sally" the thing started to go wild. And I just stared at him with this "wtf" look, and he gave me the biggest "I am so guilty and I am enjoying it so much" grin I have ever seen.

I also gave this kid his English name. I named him Paul after my dad and brother's middle, and I knew he was going to be one of those over enthusiastic, slightly-trouble inducing fellows.

In my 3.30 class I am so proud that my little student--Mina--who refused to talk until maybe a week ago, is raising her and and answering questions. Her voice is still tiny, but she answers them. It's so amazing.

At my 4.35 class, I walk into the wrong classroom. They changed it around, switching two of my classes around--but nobody thought it prudent to tell me. But I just turned around and walked out, because I recognized immediately that I was in the wrong place, and my brain connected the two occurrences, and it was just "business as usual."

In my 5.50 class, I called the desk on a student who was pissing me off. Another student refused to talk to me for the entire class, I thought because I failed to produce the stickers I had promised. I honestly went looking for them, and then I discovered that a student potentially stole them out of my unlocked desk drawers. Or I buried them under presentation papers. Who knows. After class, her two friends explain to me, in very broken English (and with a drawing on the board) why she was angry. It had nothing to do with me. But I think maybe the failure to produce stickers kicked her off the edge.

In my 6.55 class, one of my older students insists on screaming the Korean word for "delicious" in a demon voice. We have a great connection, this kid and I. He exhausts me when I'm already tired, but when I'm in a good mood I love to tease them. They tease me back and its hysterical. In this class I have a student, no joke, named "Major Joseph." He has an epic stutter and is the most nationalistically indoctrinated child I have ever met. I love him, but today I was so exhausted that I could barely deal with it. They drove me up the wall, but I loved them anyway, after walking away from the class. "Delicious" kid came back and talked to me for a while. He erased my board for me too. I used to buy coffee from his mom every day at the Dunkin Donuts below us. I always bow and wave at her now, if I come in that direction and catch her eye.

In my 8.00 class, there are two students. Ricky does his work, which is rare, and then the new girl, the one who has a really cool English name, and walks like she is from the hood, tells me all about her exploits as a teenager. She tells me about alcohol and smoking, and her friend that died because he crashed his motor bike at 160 meters per hour. I don't know if I believe her, but I keep asking her questions, and keep asking her: "Why are these people your friends?" She shows me her fake ID that she supposedly stole. And a visa card that she supposedly stole. I'm not sure what is what. They use English and I think it's kind of a joke to them. They don't know that they're really communicating, because all matters of substance to them happen in Korean. And I'm not sure she really thinks I'm a real person. She might be trying to impress me because there's this stereotype that Foreigners only drink and party. She tells me about clubs. I don't have the guts to ask her what clubs she's been to--or to tell her that they are all epicly lame. I'm not sure if I should even be having this conversation with her. But the hagwon camera is on, and she's doing all the talking. I'm asking questions--and occasionally telling her that she should make good, safe decisions. At one point, I tell her that the most important thing that anyone, anywhere, in any country can learn is how to choose friends who make you feel safe and happy. Hastily, after the bell rings, she tells me that she goes to church and believes in Jesus. I wonder if it wasn't just a joke to begin with.

I leave Little Fox and I go over to Taekwondo, where the dojeong is empty except for her brother. I sit next to him, ask him a few questions (he acts out just as much as she does--but mostly he charms the ladies), sit with him for a minute before I change my clothes. When I get back, he's on his way out and I start training.

Then I come home and I go to buy a beer at the corner mart next to my house, and I run into another foreigner, who lives next door to me but I've never really met. She's freaked out my my word-vomit "Hi, how are you? Who are you? I can't believe we're neighbors--can I have your number?" -- and she says, "Actually I'm leaving in three weeks." So I give up, don't make a new friend, and buy a liter of beer instead.

And I've been reading testimonial stories on Teach for America's website. Hence the out pour of love for the students, even when I hate their guts. I feel weak because I don't have enough patience, but I think the more I write it down, the easier it gets to keep that patience up. Who knows.

A very Seoul weekend--again

Spent this weekend in Seoul to with Kristen--basically doing all the things I didn't do last weekend. We had a great time wondering around Insadong, the artsy fartsy, touristy trinkety area of Seoul. There are a lot of amazing things to buy there--everything from tourist kitsch to real antiques. I was basically in heaven, but held off and didn't really buy anything substantial.

After having an excellent time just chilling, we went to Kristen's friend's show, which was a UNICEF benefit. We supported him and then went out to Hongdae and did the Hongdae party thing. Hongdae is one of the most famous places in Seoul to party. I wasn't aware, partying in Daejeon, just how many military folks there are around here. All the Western men in the club were military, and they were quite nice, actually. A few guys were teasing their buddy who wasn't drinking, and I got to talking to this guy, who was pretty nice. The next day, after crashing on Kristen's friend's couch, we met up with this guy and headed back to Insadong to check out a book store (omg so many English books--70,000 won later). We went to Gyeongbukgung, the palace in Seoul that Stephanie and I visited back in the fall, and just enjoyed the beautiful weather. It was a good time, just meeting new people and enjoying some sites in Seoul.

This weekend, though, I am definitely not planning on doing Seoul--I don't know where I'll go yet, or if I'll just stay home, but I definitely need to find something interesting to do, because I'm feeling very restless and frustrated. My students haven't been good to me and I just... haven't been on the ball with teaching. My temper is short. I'm homesick, and the kids know it. I try to be a better person, but sometimes it just doesn't work. I keep thinking that I can't possibly be cut out for this, so I turn to art, or writing, which just comes out bent with my already frustrated mindset.

In other news, I have a Suite101 account, where I will be publishing articles about travel and life in Korea. I'll put up some links when I have articles out.

My little ones are the reason I come to work.

They are just absolutely adorable. Brand new kids, with innocent little hearts, adorable little faces, and strange behavior.

The new students at my hagwon are ALL my students. We have two foreign teachers here, but my coworker wasn't given any of the new students. There could be plenty of reasons why, but I think my boss just thought that--on top of everything--they'd want to see a female teacher first. So I have four brand new classes and they are just the cutest things ever.

In my Tuesday-Thursday, I have a little girl (who has changed her name like 4 times) who is madly in love with the boy that sits behind her. She drives me NUTS with her constant pestering of him. When she raises her hand, she also just makes random sing-songy noises that are dual part hysterical and dual part obnoxious. She's always kind of gnawing with her voice... and when she's not doing that, she's up bothering the little boy--trying to steal his stuff.

The other hysterical little boy in this class is probably the ugliest child I've EVER seen. He's not going to stay ugly--but right now, he's got it baaad. His eye sockets are too big for his eyeballs. So his skin is stretched out over them like he's some kind of all-natural batman. And he's got the snotty breath like that awkward kid on Hey Arnold. And he just stands there and STARES. With this "durrrr" look on his face. One time I was grading homework, and my door was open... and then I turned around, and THERE HE WAS, just "durrrrr" staring at me. And then he just said "Maaayyyyygeeee." And I just about DIED. Soooo funny.

In my other class, on Wednesday and Friday, I have a bunch of kindergartners. They're tiny little buggers, and they're so energetic. They make me so happy, even though they also frustrated me, but their hour is probably my favorite hour, because they just giggle at every stupid thing I do. It's so much easier to entertain them, haha. And they're all missing teeth, giving me hugs, and doing adorable stuff. If I came back here, I think I would try to land a kindergarten job. They just make me so happy. It's exhausting, but I feel like it's worth it with them, because I really CAN see improvement, because they start with NOTHING.

Anyway... that's my rant about my kids recently. I've been working personally on some drawing. I got this idea to actually "draw" a book; to take one of my short stories and put it into pictures. Currently it's going quite well, but I'm only on the first page, harhar. This weekend I'm staying in town, and I'm hopefully going to find a place where I can do some scanning. Hopefully. I'll check the PC rooms around this area.

Teacher, teacher!

Me: "Yes?"
Libby: "Do you know Ka-duh?"
Me: "What? Cod? Like the fish?"
Yale: "No--Libby, geez. God. God."
Me: "Yeah, I know God."
Libby: (acts out Jesus dying on the cross.)
Me: "Oh that's not God. You mean Jesus."
Libby: "YEAH. Jesus and Buddha kai-bai-bo (rock, paper scissors.)"
Me: "What??"
Libby: "Yeah. And Jesus is win. So Jesus hit Buddha in head with finger. Like this--and Buddha get black spot on his head."
Me: (Oh my god is this child making an intelligent religious joke?)
Libby: "They play one more time. Buddha is win. So Jesus is... DIE." (Arms out on the cross, eyes closed.)
Me: (laughing so hard I can't breath.)

Exchanges between Teacher and Student

Me: "Justin, why is your foot on his head?!"
Henry: "... Happy ending because, teacher!"
Me: "..... Tom please answer the next question."

I have NO idea what that was supposed to or not supposed to mean, but I am cracking UP.

"Teacher! This book Made in China!"

Proclaimed one of my students yesterday. He was explaining to me that the monster in the story was furry, but the monster in the picture was not. Then he said: "Made in China!" Apparently it is synonymous with "Error, teacher!"

So I've been taking Taekwondo. And Ohhhh man does it hurt. I pulled a neck muscle at some point and now I can't look to one side. My stomach also hurts because of sit ups, and my shoulders hurt because of push ups. I go every day of the week, too, which is a lot more than I went to Kung Fu--ever! In addition, it's a private class, basically, so I'm never out of focus. Ohhh man. But I am learning a lot of Korean, and I know I am going to have a lot of fun. But right now my whole freakin body hurts. Owwww. :D